A Psychologist’s Guide to Love & Limits in Young Teenagers
For parents, finding the balance between love and limits is hard. And it becomes even harder when kids get older because “they should know better.” Because by the early teenage years (12-14yrs), it becomes harder to justify misbehaviour. This shift happens both in and outside the home, as parents, extended family members, schools, coaches, and mentors all raise the bar of acceptable behaviour.
However, often a tension emerges because the teenager isn’t quite agreeable to this shift in landscape. They want all the good parts of getting older i.e., more freedom, more agency, more individuality, without the costs i.e., higher expectations on communication and increased responsibility. They want all the love, without the limits.
For clarity, in this context, when I use the phrase “love or limits”, I’m referring to the distinction between setting boundaries around misbehaviour (limits) vs. responding from a place of understanding and empathy (love). To be clear, I don’t think these concepts are mutually exclusive i.e., I think setting limits is also an act of love, but for the sake of the alliteration “love & limits” fits nicely.
One of the first questions I ask parents when we are tackling this situation, is which do they find more comfortable? – Are you more comfortable in love? Or more comfortable in limits? Because this natural inclination sets the tone for how you might respond in any given situation and *dingding * also outlines where you might need to build your confidence. But the key part of this discussion is illustrating that there are two central concepts which underpin effective parenting in this space, a) the ability to recognise which is needed more in any given situation and b) the ability to communicate both at the same time.
Often parents do this quite naturally, without even realising they are making these decisions. But parents tend to get stuck when there are teenage mental health needs to consider. Suddenly, parents doubt their decision making, wondering whether “because she struggles with anxiety, should I expect something different?”
The simple answer is no. Mental health issues are important and need to be considered, but they co-exist alongside normal developmental challenges. One should not be given precedence above the other. But, of course, this is also a generalisation (and should be taken as general advice, not specifically relevant to the individual needs of your child). To illustrate this further here are three key questions I’d urge you to consider when trying to strike the balance between endless compassion and firm expectations.
1) What is the risk of too much love here? What is the risk of too many limits here?
2) Which is more important – at this moment in time?
3) After this crisis has passed, what do I want my child to have learnt about themselves & the world? What am I trying to teach here?
These questions are relevant whether there are mental health issues at play or not. I love this line of questioning, because it allows most parents to arrive at an answer on their own.
Until next time,
Courtney.
